Dementia for 2

There are times when I really long to carry on a meaningful conversation with my grandmother. Sadly, I have not had a moment like that in several years.

Sometimes it takes a great tragedy to bring about a moment of clarity in our lives. My grandmother has recently suffered such a tragedy.

Last week she fell out of her wheelchair and fractured her C1 and C2 vertebra's. She also has a huge bruise over her right eye along with stitches above her right eye and scalp. This type of break is typically know as the "Hangman's fracture"

She spent 3 days in ICU which was very hard on all of us. Because of her age, she is not a candidate for surgery or a halo vest. They did fit her with a collar to keep her neck from moving for the next 6 weeks.

Because this happened in the nursing home with the aid in the room, we made the decision to move her to another facility. My mother also spoke with a lawyer today.

The new facility is 30 miles away so it will be more expensive to go and see her what with the price of fuel these days.

The biggest concerns are with her skin. Because this collar/brace extends down her torso, we are concerned about infection due to moisture getting trapped inside the brace. Granny also has a cold and we are concerned about pneumonia setting in since she is confined to her bed until at least the end of the month.

I have not been able to see Granny since she left the hospital. I am hoping to get to see her this week. My sister has been able to make the drive with mom twice this week. On both occasions, Granny was very coherent. She spoke about her youngest daughter and how much my sister resembled her. This conversation prompted my sister to call our aunt and relay the conversation to her. I truly hope it will help my aunt put some of the past behind her once and for all.

The second conversation was only 2 words. They were turning my grandmother to clean and check her out and she told my sister "I'm scared." These words really break my heart. My grandmother has been through so much in her life and I cannot bear the thought of her being scared. How can you possibly comfort someone with this type of fear? What words can ease their physical pain and emotional distress? Just because she is speaking coherently does not mean she will understand what you are saying to her.

I am very afraid for my grandmother right now. I am helpless in this situation and I am not sure I can mask my own fears from her when I see her. I really want to just go up to this nursing home and go off on everyone I come in contact with. This was senseless and unfortunately we may never know what truly happened.

I know I have to keep all of this in check not only for Granny but, my mom as well. She needs me to be clear headed and strong for both of them right now. Thank God my sister and I have mended our own relationship so we can take turns with all of this.

I will try to keep posting updates about Granny's well being but it is so emotional for me right now that I am not sure I can be right on top of this blog.

I appreciate any insights any of you may have and would ask that you please pray for my grandmother.

I have not written about Granny in a while, so much has been happening that I really don't know where to begin. Maybe I can just number them in no particular order.

1. Shortly after I started recovering from pneumonia, my grandmother contracted pneumonia. Since she has received the shot to prevent this, we were surprised that she became ill. Mom had her admitted to a different hospital farther away from home this time. It was discovered that Granny aspirates on thin liquids such as water, coffee, etc. Hence the bout with pneumonia. The doctor prescribed a thickener for her liquids so maybe this will help.

2. Since no one can care for your family to suit you, there are always problems with Granny's care. Since mom is no longer working, she is spending most of her time with Granny and this issue has come to the surface. There are serious issues with more than one aide and mom has tried to resolve them in such a way as to allow at least a civil relationship. However, not everyone is this mature. This has led to a letter writing campaign followed by numerous phone calls. The outcome is still undecided but, I am worried about both my mom and grandmother.

3. Mom is trying to see if Granny qualifies for Medicare Home Health Care. Since the qualifications are very specific, we are not sure if Granny is even in the running for this. Mom is going to make some calls and try and set up an appointment with Granny's doctor to see if this is a viable option. Since Granny needs so much equipment, lift, hospital bed, wheelchair, etc. I am not sure all of this will be covered by Medicare. I don't know if you can rent any of this or what the cost will be. Mom thinks this will be the best thing for both she and Granny but, I worry that she may not be thinking this through.

Overall, Granny is doing very well. Since her discharge from the hospital, she has been a little difficult when it comes to taking any medication. She just flat out refuses to take any if mom is trying to give it to her. No one has figured out what is going on with her concerning this yet.

Yesterday she was talking to people in her room that were not there. This is a new development and does have us a little concerned. I do hope that when mom goes to visit her today, she will be more like herself. I know a lot of people say that their family members experienced similar things shortly before they passed on. However, my father in law talked with people for months before he died. I am not as concerned as mom but then again, I have dealt with Granny's "spells" more than mom.

I hope you all have a great weekend and hopefully I will have better news in my next post.

There have been some changes in my grandmother's care that are causing some concerns for mom and me.

An aide that had been fired over the summer has recently been rehired. This is the same aide that would leave my grandmother sitting in her own feces for long periods of time. I personally approached the Director of Nursing about this issue. Apparently, I wasn't the only one with this issue or other issues, since she was let go. Now that she is back, we have to be ever diligent in certain areas. I hope that she is a better aide now but I am apprehensive nevertheless.

The other issue is bruising. My grandmother has a bruise on her cheek. We are not sure how this has happened but we do not think she is being abused. There are many ways this could have happened and we are trying to rule out the obvious ones. We know she has not fallen, because the nursing home is very prompt in letting us know if Granny has fallen.

What is making me angry about this situation is the way the nurses on duty act about this and other things that have come up. They do not document any thing in her chart. When you go above their heads with an issue they always seem to either A) not be aware of it or B) claim to have noticed it but have not documented it in her chart. I just don't understand this at all. This facility has 4 wings. They have 2 nurses on duty at all times. There are more during the day and also during the week. So I would estimate that you have 1 nurse for every 20-25 patients. Then you have the CNAs. There are a minimum of 2 per wing. So how can you not notice a bruise on someone's face? How can you be so negligent as to not document it? When it is brought to your attention, how can you be so bold in defending your own wrongdoing?

I am getting tired of the "I will check into it" game. This is a stalling technique that just isn't going to work with me anymore. I don't want to get ignorant with these people because my grandmother lives there and I fear what will happen to her after I leave. I don't think anyone will hurt her but, I do think they will not take proper care of her needs.

My mom has been talking with the Director of the home but I don't know what is going to happen. I make short visits to check on Granny when I get off work in the early AM. I have not been making as many as I would like, so I will be doubling my efforts there. I hope this is enough to ensure my Granny is taken care of, but I just can't help but worry.

My mom has been able to visit my grandmother these past 2 weeks. This is a good thing since I picked up a seasonal job and cannot go as often.

We have not had any incidents as bad as the last one I posted about. Another good thing.

But, there have been others. My mom has gone to the director of nursing at the home, and the director of the nursing home. Several comments have been made that are not very nice about my mom. But, she is not concerned about it as long as my grandmother is cared for properly.

Apparently, they have suspended the aide that was taking care of granny at night. When he comes back, they will be putting him on another wing. My question is why is he even coming back? It is obvious from his performance, that he is not doing a good job. I need to state that we are not the only family that is not happy with the care he provides.

The main office of this facility is located in another state. I have the 800 number and mailing address of the home office. I am seriously considering writing them a letter detailing the incidents and what steps have/have not been taken. The aides are union at this nursing home. It seems that this is an intimidating factor in regards to how they are disciplined. I am not union but my mother has been in previous jobs. So, I do know that there are procedures that must be followed when dealing with anyone in a union. But, the state in which I live is an "at will to work" state.

Also, even though they are under a union contract, my state is not any of the states listed that follow certain guidelines concerning this.

Instead of taking action against this employees, they seem to be trying to make it harder on my mom. She made the comment that she hid in my grandmother's closet and did not see anyone enter her room for over 2 hours. Since they are supposed to make rounds every 2 hours, this is not acceptable. So now they have the aides checking the closets. They have also made the comment that mom is looking for a reason to file a lawsuit. This is not the case at all.

My grandmother's care is the only thing that is on my mom's mind. No one wants to go to court. But if your bed is soaked through and your clothes are wet, there is a definite problem in your house. We both worry about how they talk to and treat granny when we are gone. We hate to say anything because we know in the end she is the one that will suffer because of us. But, on the other hand, if we say nothing she still suffers. There are only 2 nursing homes in my area and this is the only long term one so we are essentially stuck.

I don't know what we are going to to. I only know that I am worried about my granny.

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun filled day at the nursing home. I had a big day of girly pampering all planned for Granny and I. I'm talking facials, hair, mani-pedi, the whole regalia.

I get there and she is alone in the day room. This is a small rec room across from the nurse's station. The front of it is all glass so you can see in from quite a distance down the hall.

I see several aides (at least 3), and 1 nurse on my way to get granny. When I get in there, she has something in her hand and it is not her hat if you get my drift. Fortunately, there was a towel on the table behind her and I was able to get it out of her hand so we could get to her room.

I am beyond furious. When I get that angry, I have to be very careful. It is very easy for me to slip into using very graphic and more often than not, profane ways of expressing myself. But, because the welfare of my grandmother is at stake, I was able to maintain some semblance of control.

I stopped an aide and a nurse on the hallway and inquired as to who should be taking care of my grandmother at that point. No one seemed to be able to come up with a name. Imagine that. So, I take granny to her room and proceed to clean her up. This is not a short process considering the condition she was in when I found her. I won't go into graphic details but she did have on 2 "pull ups" and her clothes were dirty. I went down the hall and tried to speak with one of the head nurses on duty at the time. Since she was tied up on the phone, I went to the main nurse.

I voiced my opinion and told her what was going on with my grandmother. I did not use any profanity, but, I did catch myself getting a little loud as I am wont to do when greatly agitated. I was told she would "investigate the matter" and get back to me. She seemed more interested in who had the authority to do anything, my mother or me. I told her that I had a copy of the POA and so should she. I also told her to make whatever phone calls she needed to make to assure herself of my authority.

Today my mom goes down there to follow up. She is told that my grandmother did not have diarrhea and that I was mistaken in stating that she did. This has only poured gasoline on an already burning issue with me. Had I stopped to think, I would have taken pictures of granny. I have done that in the past when I felt an issue would be swept under the rug. But, my biggest concern at that moment was getting granny taken care of. She was so pitiful. I almost cried. She told me she was ready for the Lord to take her. She has never said that before.

Normally, granny has very good care. The aides there know my mom and I and they know that we are very involved with granny's care. Granny gets a visit from one or both of us almost everyday.

I will be better prepared for the next episode. I will definitely take photos and this head nurse will not be able to deny the condition I find granny in the next time I can assure you.

I am writing this for 2 reasons. The first one is to educate others. It doesn't matter how often you visit or how long you stay, there will come a time when your loved one will not taken be care of as they should be. You need to have a plan of action when this occurs. The other reason is to get it off my chest. I feel so bad that I did not do anything more to help granny. In hindsight, I can see where I should have done some things that I just didn't think to do. I won't make that mistake again.

On the upside, we did do nails and hair. I painted granny's nails for Halloween. Alternating orange and black. She thought that was very funny. I also fixed her hair and perfumed her up so she could feel pretty. When I left she told me, "I look pretty good today." That makes it all worth it.

I have a friend who was married 2 weeks when her husband first hit her. He beat her in front of her children, while she was pregnant, in front of his parents, and friends. Unlike most women, she fought back. She was 15 when she married, and by the time she was 20 she had 2 kids and a divorce. Her story is typical in a lot of ways. She got out of the relationship whereas most women don't.

While there are signs that become visible, most of us still ignore what we see and know is going on among our friends and family. This is still considered a "family issue" in most settings. We know what is going on and we do nothing to help the person being abused. If we are afraid, imagine what the person being abused feels.


When my daughter was in high school, she did an extensive report on domestic violence among teens. I was appalled at how many young women find themselves in an abusive relationship with the boy they were dating.

I often remind my own daughter of what she has learned when I feel she is in an unhealthy relationship. Our girls are still looking for Prince Charming and find themselves caught up in a relationship that they are afraid to end.

Domestic violence is all about control. One partner (often the male), desires to dominate and control the other. This happens across the board. Rich, poor, black, white, heterosexual or homosexual. According to helpguide.org, this is a choice, not something that cannot be controlled.

We are becoming more aware of the signs of domestic violence, but are we doing any more about it? The police are more willing to get involved and that is a start. But what can you as an individual do? You can find a way to let someone you believe to be in an abusive relationship, that you are aware and are willing to help them get out. You can support your local battered women's shelter. If you do not know where it is, call your local police department and they can help you. These shelters are always looking for volunteers, donations of clothing, food, and money.

Talk with your teen. Let them know that you are there for them and are willing to help them. Don't let them become a statistic.

If you are a victim yourself, call your local police department and ask for help. If you cannot call them, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get the help you need. To quote my mother, the wisest woman I know,"Don't accept a diamond ring for a black eye."

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-3224
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
http://teenhealth.about.com/od/relationships/a/signsofabuser.htm