Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I recently started a Bible Study based on Elizabeth George's book, " Loving God With All Your Mind".  I think this will be a very thought provoking study based on the first 2 chapters that we have read. 

She is speaking about her own depression and what enabled her to overcome it. The beginning chapters are based on Philippians 4:8 " Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Hubs and I have been having a rather difficult time lately. We seem to be taking turns holding our head in our hands. The problem is that it is very hard to let go of our past. I think we all have this problem in some sense or another. But, if there has been a great heart break, or disappointment involved, we tend to want to hang on to that pain longer.

What I am learning is that I have not forgiven my husband. This has been a real crushing blow to me. What is worse is that over the last few weeks these small fireworks have ultimately culminated in a real brawl. Now, we are definitely both to blame make no mistake. I know where my blame lies in all this.

But, what I finally had to admit to myself and to God is that I don't want to let go of this garbage. I don't want to apologize, I don't want to compromise,and more importantly, I don't want to even think about what all of this is doing to my relationship with Christ. This is a horrible testimony to my husband and truly tarnishes the reputation of Christ. I am so afraid of being hurt so very deeply again that I have shut him out almost completely. I refuse to even contemplate the idea of forgiving him.

By doing all of this, I have greatly distorted my thinking in not only this area but other areas of my marriage as well. After reading this verse today, I realized that I have not been thinking on "What is true". In my mind things have no happy ending. I see nothing but the bad, only remember the pain and sense of loss, feed on the disappointment and anger.

We are instructed to think on truth. So now I am asking myself, "Is this true? Is this real? Am I distorting this to make myself look better or to justify my words or actions?" I think that by taking apart this verse and others, I can learn to think in this manner. I  know this will not be an easy habit to pick up. Changing the way you think never is. But, I do know that God would have me forgive my husband just as God has forgiven me. This is a prideful position I have placed myself in and I am eager to vacate the premises as it were. I am aware that the road ahead of my is long and arduous, but the reward will be everlasting.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I know I have not blogged in months and I must admit I have just not been in to it for a while.
A lot has happened in my life and I think I am still trying to get the dizziness to stop. I will try to stay on point with this but please bear in mind it has been awhile!

My daughter "B" moved to Florida about 2 months ago. I miss her terribly and am afraid she made this move too soon and without enough preparation. But, she is young and I am sure she will be okay it is just going to take her a little longer than she anticipated.

We drove from Elvisland to Palm Coast with all of her stuff. I am not going to go into all the gory details because I am not sure I can do it without using some colorful adjectives. Suffice it to say I do not want to make a trip like that again anytime soon.

I managed to get separated from B and hubs just outside of  Tuskegee Al. Even though I know how bad the economy is, I was not prepared for what I saw there. Empty houses, abandoned buildings, overgrown lots, it was quite disheartening. I realized at that moment that our country is "closing up shop" one small town at a time.

I look around the small town that I live in and and I think that since we are so close to a large city, I just didn't really "see" what was going on. Large chains have bought up most of the mom and pop type stores here. Pawn shops and Title Loan offices are everywhere.

Housing is just horrible. Builders are just now starting back up and even then it is very slow. Rental property has loan shark pricing and that is for a borderline decent house in a borderline neighborhood. Apartments are worse.

I hate to see all these little towns just cease to exist. I don't think that the powers that be have even given it a second thought. the brass ring isn't found in a small town. But, if you are a farmer and you have to travel over 50 miles just to buy a loaf of bread, what's the point? We are losing the family farm to the bigger corporate farming companies and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I hate to think that my hometown will one day cease to exist along with so many others. But, the last time I was home, the last breath was being drawn. I don't know the solution to this problem but I do know that soon the American small town will be spoken of like so many the past tense.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I recently read an article on that possibly gives new hope for those suffering from Alzheimer's.

Apparently, a drug that is used to treat certain skin cancers and has shown great hope in the field of Alzheimer's research. Unfortunately, scientists have been able to "cure" Alzheimer's in mice before with no results in human testing.

Since this drug is already FDA approved, maybe they will be able to start testing in humans in the not too distant future.

The article link to the article is below.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

There are times when I really long to carry on a meaningful conversation with my grandmother. Sadly, I have not had a moment like that in several years.

Sometimes it takes a great tragedy to bring about a moment of clarity in our lives. My grandmother has recently suffered such a tragedy.

Last week she fell out of her wheelchair and fractured her C1 and C2 vertebra's. She also has a huge bruise over her right eye along with stitches above her right eye and scalp. This type of break is typically know as the "Hangman's fracture"

She spent 3 days in ICU which was very hard on all of us. Because of her age, she is not a candidate for surgery or a halo vest. They did fit her with a collar to keep her neck from moving for the next 6 weeks.

Because this happened in the nursing home with the aid in the room, we made the decision to move her to another facility. My mother also spoke with a lawyer today.

The new facility is 30 miles away so it will be more expensive to go and see her what with the price of fuel these days.

The biggest concerns are with her skin. Because this collar/brace extends down her torso, we are concerned about infection due to moisture getting trapped inside the brace. Granny also has a cold and we are concerned about pneumonia setting in since she is confined to her bed until at least the end of the month.

I have not been able to see Granny since she left the hospital. I am hoping to get to see her this week. My sister has been able to make the drive with mom twice this week. On both occasions, Granny was very coherent. She spoke about her youngest daughter and how much my sister resembled her. This conversation prompted my sister to call our aunt and relay the conversation to her. I truly hope it will help my aunt put some of the past behind her once and for all.

The second conversation was only 2 words. They were turning my grandmother to clean and check her out and she told my sister "I'm scared." These words really break my heart. My grandmother has been through so much in her life and I cannot bear the thought of her being scared. How can you possibly comfort someone with this type of fear? What words can ease their physical pain and emotional distress? Just because she is speaking coherently does not mean she will understand what you are saying to her.

I am very afraid for my grandmother right now. I am helpless in this situation and I am not sure I can mask my own fears from her when I see her. I really want to just go up to this nursing home and go off on everyone I come in contact with. This was senseless and unfortunately we may never know what truly happened.

I know I have to keep all of this in check not only for Granny but, my mom as well. She needs me to be clear headed and strong for both of them right now. Thank God my sister and I have mended our own relationship so we can take turns with all of this.

I will try to keep posting updates about Granny's well being but it is so emotional for me right now that I am not sure I can be right on top of this blog.

I appreciate any insights any of you may have and would ask that you please pray for my grandmother.


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