Wednesday, July 18, 2012
I recently started a Bible Study based on Elizabeth George's book, " Loving God With All Your Mind". I think this will be a very thought provoking study based on the first 2 chapters that we have read.
She is speaking about her own depression and what enabled her to overcome it. The beginning chapters are based on Philippians 4:8 " Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."
What I am learning is that I have not forgiven my husband. This has been a real crushing blow to me. What is worse is that over the last few weeks these small fireworks have ultimately culminated in a real brawl. Now, we are definitely both to blame make no mistake. I know where my blame lies in all this.
But, what I finally had to admit to myself and to God is that I don't want to let go of this garbage. I don't want to apologize, I don't want to compromise,and more importantly, I don't want to even think about what all of this is doing to my relationship with Christ. This is a horrible testimony to my husband and truly tarnishes the reputation of Christ. I am so afraid of being hurt so very deeply again that I have shut him out almost completely. I refuse to even contemplate the idea of forgiving him.
By doing all of this, I have greatly distorted my thinking in not only this area but other areas of my marriage as well. After reading this verse today, I realized that I have not been thinking on "What is true". In my mind things have no happy ending. I see nothing but the bad, only remember the pain and sense of loss, feed on the disappointment and anger.
We are instructed to think on truth. So now I am asking myself, "Is this true? Is this real? Am I distorting this to make myself look better or to justify my words or actions?" I think that by taking apart this verse and others, I can learn to think in this manner. I know this will not be an easy habit to pick up. Changing the way you think never is. But, I do know that God would have me forgive my husband just as God has forgiven me. This is a prideful position I have placed myself in and I am eager to vacate the premises as it were. I am aware that the road ahead of my is long and arduous, but the reward will be everlasting.