Dementia for 2

I know I have not blogged in months and I must admit I have just not been in to it for a while.
A lot has happened in my life and I think I am still trying to get the dizziness to stop. I will try to stay on point with this but please bear in mind it has been awhile!

My daughter "B" moved to Florida about 2 months ago. I miss her terribly and am afraid she made this move too soon and without enough preparation. But, she is young and I am sure she will be okay it is just going to take her a little longer than she anticipated.

We drove from Elvisland to Palm Coast with all of her stuff. I am not going to go into all the gory details because I am not sure I can do it without using some colorful adjectives. Suffice it to say I do not want to make a trip like that again anytime soon.

I managed to get separated from B and hubs just outside of  Tuskegee Al. Even though I know how bad the economy is, I was not prepared for what I saw there. Empty houses, abandoned buildings, overgrown lots, it was quite disheartening. I realized at that moment that our country is "closing up shop" one small town at a time.

I look around the small town that I live in and and I think that since we are so close to a large city, I just didn't really "see" what was going on. Large chains have bought up most of the mom and pop type stores here. Pawn shops and Title Loan offices are everywhere.

Housing is just horrible. Builders are just now starting back up and even then it is very slow. Rental property has loan shark pricing and that is for a borderline decent house in a borderline neighborhood. Apartments are worse.

I hate to see all these little towns just cease to exist. I don't think that the powers that be have even given it a second thought. the brass ring isn't found in a small town. But, if you are a farmer and you have to travel over 50 miles just to buy a loaf of bread, what's the point? We are losing the family farm to the bigger corporate farming companies and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

I hate to think that my hometown will one day cease to exist along with so many others. But, the last time I was home, the last breath was being drawn. I don't know the solution to this problem but I do know that soon the American small town will be spoken of like so many things.....in the past tense.

I hate being in limbo! I want to know what is going on and when changes are coming. I have never been one for surprises so I don't do well with indecision.

We are STILL going around and around with the bank over our house! Once again they have sent us a foreclosure notice with "options" that are available. This is the second time we have gone through this. We have sent paperwork to all the necessary people involved in the short sale 3 TIMES! Yet they still don't seem to know what is going on.

We have not even bothered to look seriously at other places to live because of this. From what I have looked at, it looks kind of grim for us. Since the housing bust, rental property has skyrocketed. Apartments are just as high.

I have been packing stuff up that I know I won't need any time soon and donating tons of stuff that I just refuse to move. I have also been building a flowerbed for my friend Carla. She is the mother of my grandson and she is wheel chair bound. So, I have been taking some of my plants over there to fix her backyard up so she will have something pretty to look at.

Hopefully, we can find affordable housing soon and start over. I will have to put most of my stuff in storage if we move to an apartment due to space issues. Fortunately, it is just tools and the like so we can do without those until we can afford to get something larger.

While I know that God is in control of all of this, I still have apprehensive feelings about all of it. I am worried about the move. I worry that we will get somewhere and something terrible will happen and we won't be able to afford it. I worry that we will be stuck there for YEARS. I worry about starting over at my age. I know that I shouldn't be so stressed out over this but, I can't seem to help myself.

Life just shouldn't be this HARD all the time! I know that we brought a lot of this on ourselves. I know that we have to pay for the consequences of our actions. That seems to be all I do anymore. Pay for decisions. When does it stop? At what point is it enough?

Enough whining! We will get through this one way or another. God will be there every step of the way and my faith will be stronger when all this is over. That is truly all that matters.

I am sure there are not that many people out there that are unaware of the devastating weather that hit the south these past few days.

Since Memphis is situated on the banks of the Mighty Mississippi, this is of great concern to all of us that live near there. They are predicting that the river will crest somewhere around the 10th of May. All around us, rivers and creeks are filled to capacity. I cannot remember seeing flooding like this around here.

Since I work in a casino that is on the river, we have all been concerned about our jobs. The gaming commission has decided that all of the casinos in the area must be closed by 2p.m. on Monday. They are estimating that we will be closed for about 3-6 weeks. Fortunately for us, they are going to pay us. We do not know exactly how much as of yet, but I am just grateful it will be more than the 200 I would collect from unemployment.

I am also grateful for the short vacation! My son immediately said to me, "Now maybe you can get some rest mom." I am looking forward to having a few weekends off and helping some of my family with their yard work.

God has been so gracious to me to put other means of employment in my path and this extra money will truly be needed during this time.

Hopefully I can get some photos of all this for y'all to see in the not too distant future.

The only concern I have is when we go back to work. The last time they closed a casino due to flooding, there was a serious problem with Water Moccasins also known as Cottonmouth Snake, in the building and hiding in the slot machines. Hopefully, they will secure the buildings enough so that won't be a problem.

Please remember all of us in your prayers. So many have already lost their homes in the area and I fear more will lose theirs within the next few weeks.

Once again BAC has seen fit to find yet another reason to deny the short sale of the house. I fear they have finally worn us down. Foreclosure is set for sometime in May. I would like to say I am relieved. I would like to say we are going to be fine. I would really like to say that there are plenty of affordable places to rent in my area. But, alas, such is not the case.

I am really sad to be leaving our home of so many years. I dread the idea of starting over. Actually, I dread the "thinning out" process of starting over. I know we will be okay. God has not forsaken my family. I know that the right house will be available and affordable. I just don't know when or where. I have a great fear of the unknown. I have never been one to enjoy surprises so this is all very stressful for me.

I have been trying to keep a stiff upper lip and a positive attitude about this whole thing. But, to be honest, it is really hard. A lot of buried resentments are rising to the surface and I just don't want to deal with them. I have started to give God the silent treatment in response to this. I so want to just deny, deny, deny. I can see how this is affecting my relationships with others and I don't like the person I am at the moment.

I seem to be spiraling out of control inside and it is starting to be very noticeable on the outside. I know I should be praying about all of this, but what do I say? I have said it all before to God. I seem to keep repeating myself and that is of no use to anyone. I am becoming very angry at everyone about everything. This is not how God desires that I clear this latest hurdle in my life. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier.

I have come so close and then the prize eludes me once again. I know that I will never get it right but you would think I could come a little closer after all this time. I think it is time to announce "Last Call" at this little pity party of mine and kick all these uninvited guests out.

I am really starting to get mad about this whole house thing. This will probably be my venting post. Please forgive me in advance.

First of all hubs waits until the last minute to do ANYTHING. I cannot begin to tell you how this truly aggravates me to no end. So, he waits until the 59th minute of the 11th hour on the last day to finally get all the paperwork filled out. BAC being the cooperative company that they are, kicks it back because he crossed out ONE item. When he calls them to find out if they got the second pristine copy, they tell him no. Mind you it took me sitting down at the computer and starting one of my world famous scathing emails for him to even call them.

Once he gets someone on the phone, we find out that they have not received the second set of paperwork. So, I have been trying to get the realtor to resend the paperwork since FRIDAY.

I am really tired of this whole mess. Normally hubs' procrastination only affects his "honey do" list and I can deal with that. But this is something else entirely and I am about ready to light a serious fire under his behind. I will probably include my realtor in this endeavour as well. I am getting off my gripe box now.

"The boy" has moved back home on a temporary basis. I have really enjoyed having him back here for a while. We get to spend more time with the grandson and that is never a bad thing. I am very close to my kids, so I really like having him around a little more even if it is only for a short while.

Granny has been doing really well these days. Spring is right around the corner and she loves that time of year. Everything is in bloom and it seems to make her more alert. I am going to try and go see her this week. My daffodils are in bloom and I always cut them and take them to her. She loves them and they really make her day. I really miss going to visit her and walking around her yard to see all of her plants. She used to have some beautiful flowers and plants. She has an African Violet in her room, we can't put anymore live plants in there because of space.

I hope all of my readers are doing well and I thank you all for your words of encouragement during all of this. You guys have been wonderful do listen to all of my raving and whining. I promise the next post will be much happier.

Just when we thought we had all our ducks in a row, we find out that we have to line up everyone else's too.

Last week we get yet another letter from BAC. This time they tell us that we are not qualified for the short sale they previously told us we were qualified for. Hubs calls them up and goes over all this AGAIN with yet another person in yet another department. The best they could come up with was, "You did not call us to inform us of your decision." Well maybe if you had included YOUR number in the letter we would have. However, the only number they were so insistent that we call was the company they have authorized to do the short sale for us.

After much aggravation, we were able to get BAC to see that yes we were qualified for this program and yes it is your fault that you are not informed.

So now we have a new rep with the short sale company and yet more paperwork to fill out and get to the Realtor.

At least the Realtor is a friend of mine and has dealt with this kind of thing so he is not as worked up as I am about it. This whole thing has an "Oh no! We have messed up and need to cover our butts" ring to me.

God is still continuing to bless us even as we deal with the consequences of our past decisions. I still have my joy and not even BAC can take that from me.

So hubs and I decided to continue with the short sale of our house. The whole situation just doesn't sit right with either one of us especially when BAC sent us a letter in December letting us know that there was no help available and in January they have an open application from October on the books?!

I read a lot about how everyone feels about folks like us and this whole housing thing. I don't take it personally because I know that we were doing just fine until the company hubs worked for eliminated his position in 2008. Granted, we were BARELY okay, but okay nonetheless.

However, I do think more people are closer to our position now than before. Unemployment can take its toll on any family. Most people have deleted their savings, retirement, and generosity of family to try and stay afloat. Things are tough all over for sure.

We are aware of the bad choices we have made and how they have affected us. Sometimes it takes a really tough blow for both parties to really see what is going on. While I won't go so far as to say we won't be repeating some of the mistakes we have made, I will say that we are and will be discussing said decisions more which is a good thing.

Now if I could just get hubs to clean the computer room!

As many of you know, hubs and I are trying to short sale our house. Well, yesterday, we received a letter in the mail that really threw us for a loop. The bank notified us that we still have an open loan re-modification application on file.

The representative that hubs talked with said it had been open on the books since October. If this is true, why did they send us a letter the week before Christmas informing us that we had no options but to short sale the house? When he was asked about this the rep told hubs that maybe the bank had figured out a way we could keep our home.

Hubs informed him that we had already started the short sale. So now we have until this afternoon to decide if we want to continue with the short sale or try yet another loan re-modification.

I know that God is not the author of confusion. I also know that if we make a decision based on what we want instead of what God wants we will pay for it. But, in this case, I just don't know what the right decision is.

I have prayed that God would remove what ever was interfering in my relationship with Him. When we got the letter about the short sale, we were actually relieved that some finality was placed on this whole situation. It has been easy for me to purge my things because I know now that I was placing to much value on things and not my relationship with God.

I don't like time limits that are put on major decisions. To mail us a letter that we receive on Friday and tell us that we have until Saturday afternoon, is really quite hard to do. Especially when you factor in our work schedules. So I am waiting on hubs to call me on his lunch break so we can discuss this at least a little more before he makes the call.

I have been praying that God would let us know in no uncertain terms what we are to do and that we can do this without reservation. We will have made our decision by this afternoon so I will keep you all updated.

I thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement during all this and I know that whatever happens, God will provide.

Since my previous post citing the problems we have been having finding a Realtor, God has been so good to provide one for us! I had totally forgotten about a guy that I used to work with that is now in the real estate business.

Once I was able to get in contact with him, he was eager to take on our house. He did tell me that he just sold a house using a program that is similar to ours and it took 11 months! I am not sure how long it will take to sell our house, but I am trying to get myself prepared to wait a while.

He did ask me if hubs and I had considered filing for bankruptcy to force the bank to remodify our loan. While we did discuss this, we decided that we just were not willing to go that route.

Hubs and I are hoping that this will be a fresh start for us and that we can finally get on the right track once and for all. I know that I am tired of dealing with all this stuff day after day. We do have some realistic goals set for ourselves and we are going to have to make plenty of sacrifices to reach them. But, they are not unattainable goals and in the end we will have paid our debt and that is going to be a very good feeling!

While we don't have mountains of debt, for us it is a lot. Especially when you factor in the fact that he was without steady work for 2 years. I think this is going to be a lot harder for him than for me. But, we are on the same page with all of this so hopefully, he will get with the program without too much fuss.

Now, on to Granny. She scratched herself up pretty bad in her sleep last week. Mom or I do her nails once a week. We have to cut them very short to keep her from doing just this thing. But, no matter how short we cut them, this does happen on occasion. At least there is no infection and she is healing fine. While I was there she started fussing about her bed. Apparently, they did not make it up to her satisfaction. So I remade the bed for her. She likes to make sure that the sheets are very straight and that they are not longer than her top cover. So she is taking her foot and using it to point out to me what I need to fix. Once I got it all straight, she wants me to hug her and she tells me how much she loves me and that I better not tell the others. How funny is that!

I must say that at least on the housing front, things are getting in order rather quickly. I am not sure that I am as ready for all of this as I claim to be, but, I am trying to remember that no matter when everything finally gets settled that I will be in a better place on many fronts.

I hate paperwork. I especially hate doing any paperwork for any government organization. You have to do the same thing in triplicate. They will name the forms something different, but it is still the same form.

Hubs and I finally got all the forms filled out and all our stuff together for the short sale. The person in charge of our short sale did not tell us that we could not upload it to them. She waited to tell us that any Realtor assigned to our case would have to do this. We did not find this important part out until last week.

Hubs has talked with 3 different Realtors in a week to no avail. The problem is that since we are using a government program to sell the house, it could take quite a while to sell. Most Realtors do not want to go this route because it takes them a while to get their money. If we go with a traditional short sale, we are not qualified for the 3000 in moving expense money that we desperately need in order to move.

I have a couple of friends that are in real estate so I am trying to get in touch with them. Hopefully, one of them will have pity on us and take the house.

On a brighter note, hubs has finally decided that we do need to go ahead and downsize so we are ready to go when the house sells. This makes it a lot easier as I get things out of the house.

I have been looking at apartments in our area and the pickings are very slim. Since I spend a lot of time alone, and I have really strange hours, I need to feel safe. I am learning that feeling safe means paying more for less. But, we are still looking and I am confident that God will provide not only an affordable home for us but a safe one as well.

Christmas was a solemn affair this year. I tried to stay upbeat and positive for the kids, but the underlying sadness was there for all of us. But, we were all able to get together and there were a lot of laughs and joy in the end.

We have had several options come our way regarding housing. Since the only way to afford anything is to go down to one vehicle, we are hoping to get moved before the banks takes the truck. This has been yet another tough decision for us but a necessity.

I told the kids to start coming over at least once a week to pick what they want from what I am no longer hanging onto. They have been acting like this is the last act of my life. They don't want to pick what they want. "B" says ask my brother if he wants it first, and vice versa. Too funny. I finally had to lay it out very plainly for them. Either you take it now or it goes to charity never to be seen again. That kind of got them motivated.

I still have not been able to really get to some things. The holidays have slowed me down a bit. I am hoping to be completely done with the "not keeping" no later than next week. Then I can start packing up what I am keeping but will not need in the immediate future.

I really dread the garage and "D"'s stuff. Hubs can be very difficult when it comes to parting with things. Even stuff he doesn't even remember having.

I too am guilty of hanging on to things. What I have come to realize through all this is that I am not only getting a physical cleansing but a spiritual one as well. I have come to realize just how much some of this stuff came between God and me. Not the actual stuff but, the way I felt about it. I think that is what is making this a little easier for me to handle. I know that when I am done with all this purging, I will have gotten rid of much in my life that is holding me back in many ways.

Housing is another issue right now. Hubs seems to have his heart set on one particular place. I have a really hard time saying no to him. I have been praying about this issue and God in His faithfulness has shown me much. I am learning that it is okay to say no and not create tension between us. Unfortunately, he and I have different ways of looking at things. While I try although not always successfully, to sift everything through The Word and prayer, he does not. But, I am confident that God will give me the needed guidance in this area.

I am glad that 2010 is almost over and I am looking forward to 2011. A fresh start is good for the soul. I hope you all have a safe and Happy New year and look forward to reading about all of you in the coming year.

While I was studying the Word today, I learned that the reason we are to "count it all joy", is because we are drawn closer to the Lord during our times of trouble. Now I know many of you may already know this, but, to me it was a real eye opener.

I hear others and have been guilty of saying this verse a bit mordantly. I think it is because we are trying to keep from wallowing in our own self pity. But with all that has happened in my life in just the last 2 months, I do feel closer to God. So, I am learning that as I discover more about Him, I am able to feel joy despite the situation at the moment. When all this is over, and it will be eventually, I will be closer to God and stronger in my faith. That is the prize.

Now for a few updates on what is going on. Hubs talked with the bank and we are eligible for the 3000 in moving expenses which is a true blessing! At least now we know we will have the money to move.....where to I still don't know. We are required to list the house with a Realtor for at least 120 days. I don't know if it will take that long or even longer to sell. We will be allowed to stay in the house until it sells which is good for us. If it takes longer than 120 days, I am not sure what the next step is as of yet.

We have been looking at apartments and rental homes that would be close to both of our places of employment. Since we have decided to go down to one vehicle, this is a must. With property in our part of the country being at a premium, rental property is quite high. So we have decided to go much smaller. I have already started calling people to see if they need anything we would have to part with. What I cannot give away to family and friends, I will be donating to charity. I thought of having a moving sale, but the weather is just not conducive at this time for all that.

I did break down in the kitchen last night. Sometimes, it is hard to keep up my "game face". While I don't want to cry in front of others, there are times when it is hard to keep it all in.

My daughter has agreed to co-sign on an apartment for us if we need her to. Since this and other things in our past has basically shot our credit, this is a real comfort for us to know she is willing to do this for us. I am praying that it doesn't come to that. Hopefully, once this is all over we can start working on repairing some of that mess.

I do so appreciate all of the comments and words of encouragement that all of you have taken the time to send to me. They mean so much right now. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move on to the next step in this process.

As many of you know, hubs and I have been having severe financial problems for well over a year now. It has been really hard for us to keep the necessities lately and there were times when I must confess my faith faltered.

Hubs doesn't think I should tell anyone what I am about to share with all of you, but I disagree. I think everyone should know how God is working in our lives even if we can't see it right now.

We have been trying since he was laid off to get a Home Re-modification Loan. Well, today the bank sent us a letter letting us know that this was not going to happen. At first, I was very upset. I have been praying about this house as have my family and friends for a very long time. I just couldn't believe the bank was so unwilling to work with us.

After talking with my mom and having her remind me of some of the prayers I have been praying lately, I must say I felt much better. I know that this is what God feels is best for us right now. I know that He has not forsaken us and that He will take care of us. I just don't know how. We will not be living in the streets that I do know. We can move in with the children or with my mom if we have to.

We do have some time before we have to be out of the house and I am sure that God will use this time to let us see what direction we should take. Since hubs is not a believer, this may be a difficult thing for him to understand. But, I am trusting in God to help me help him see what He wants us to do.

The good news is I can finally go through all of this clutter and get rid of some things that hubs and I have been holding on to just because we had the space. I am looking forward to moving somewhere new and I know that wherever we wind up, God will have put us there and that is all that matters to me.

I hope that some of you that are going through similar situations will gain some encouragement from us. I would not wish this on anyone. It is hard to leave the home you have been in for so long. But, nothing on this earth is permanent and I still have a lot to be thankful for.

I am holding on to the promises of God and I know that whatever happens, He will be right there with us.