Dementia for 2

My son has decided albeit rather quickly, to leave for Texas. I know I should be excited for him. This is a new adventure. A chance to "start fresh". A very enviable position to be in for sure. Why can't I stop crying if this is so great?

But I am a mom with all of a mom's fears and worries. I am afraid that he is running from himself. That has a way of catching up to you rather quickly. I worry that he will get out there and get stuck and have to much pride to call home. I worry that it will be to easy to forget he has a son here that loves and adores him. I worry he will get mixed up with the wrong crowd again and this time the outcome will be very dire indeed.

But, I also know that this may be the only way God can reach him. It may take some hard knocks away from mom and her "help" to get right with God again. How do you "let go and let God?" What does that really mean?

A new page is turning for all of us. I am not sure he even realizes how much he means to so many. Since his conception I have never been separated from him or his sister. If this is what cutting the apron strings feels like, you can keep it.

I am going to miss the late night conversations, early morning breakfasts, card games and board games. I am going to miss waking up and finding out he has come and raided the fridge in the night. No more teasing him about cutting his hair or all the constant calls from the fairer sex. No weekend cook outs and trick or treating with little "J".

I am going to truly miss my son.

Today I was studying about faithfulness. Paul speaks of faithfulness as a fruit of the Spirit. A gift from God.

When I think of being faithful, I think of my own faithfulness. Just how faithful am I? Am I faithful in church? What about tithing or my relationship with God? There are other things that also come to mind. Very mundane things, everyday life things. Things like paying bills or cooking or cleaning house or spending time with family. How faithful am I in even those things?

Sadly, I fall short in every scenario. I think most of us do. I could use all sorts of excuses or give a plethora of actual reasons as to why or why not I am faithful. But, the truth is, I am weak. I allow myself to be too easily distracted or put the important things off for the end of the day.

When I think of God's faithfulness, I am in awe. He is steadfast in His faithfulness. It never falters or wavers. Does this mean that true faithfulness is unattainable? I don't think so. I think that we have to really look within ourselves and see what our priorities are. Faithfulness to God requires discipline and constant nurturing and thought. Saving the best for last is not always the right thing to do.

My grandmother always eats her dessert first. God is our dessert. If we are to grow in our faithfulness, we should savor the sweet time with Him. By spending time first with Him, we are better prepared for the days obstacles.

Easy peasy right?

When you think of being kind, what comes to your mind? This is a discussion I have been having with others lately. The answers have been as varied as the individuals. I must confess I myself seem to have a perverted sense of just exactly what this word means.

According to the dictionary, the word kind means:

1. Of a friendly, generous, or warm-hearted nature.
2. Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable: a kind word.
3. Humane; considerate: kind to animals.
4. Forbearing; tolerant.
5. Generous; liberal.
6. Agreeable; beneficial.

The reason that I bring this up is a study I have been doing on the Fruit of the Spirit. One of the characteristics listed is kindness. I have put this study down because I have realized that I do not want to be kind. I consider it a sign of weakness. I see kind people pushed around all day and I do not want that to be me. But God desires that I be a kind person.

I keep running all these scenarios in my mind and I always seem to feel angry and defensive just thinking about them. To be kind in the face of rudeness or verbal abuse or just plain indifference is a very daunting task.

To be kind I have to be forbearing when my husband speaks to me in a sharp or condescending tone unnecessarily. I have to have a warm heated nature in spite of the things that are being said or done to me. That is definitely not in my nature. I am more apt to tell you exactly what I think and can be quite sharp in doing so.
I do not want to come across as a cold hearted person but at the same time I do not want to be a doormat either.

Kindness is more about actions to me but I am coming to the realization that kindness is about words and attitude also. Some of the people I have spoken with have politeness confused with kindness. While I do feel that these two things can go hand in hand, I also think you have have one without the other.

I tend to use my work environment as an excuse for being unkind. The problem with that is that Christ walked with the lowest of the low and still remained kind.That tells me that it is possible to be kind regardless of your environment. I also want to use my past as a crutch. While my past has shaped me it does not have to rule me.

I am not sure if I will be able to understand enough to conquer my trepidation over this issue. I do know that God has convicted me about this and if I am to progress in my journey, I must make some changes in my thinking.

Shortly after my last post I received a call from our Realtor. Apparently, things were crossed in the mail, email, phone space time continuum. Seems as though BAC did receive everything in a timely manner and we are back on track with the short sale.

This is good news on many fronts. I am truly grateful to God for removing these walls that have been a constant thorn in my side over this whole deal. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

I still have some things to get rid of before I start storing our items until we find a place to live. Since this could take a few months, I have not really started looking at rental property. Since the son has moved back home for a while, and from the looks of things he is going to be with us for at least a year, we can look at rental houses instead of apartments. This is also a big plus since we have a German Shepard that will cost us a fortune in pet deposits.

Hubs and I have really enjoyed having our son back at home for a while. We get to see the grandson more and I am able to discuss some of said son's decisions with him. I don't know if I have made an impact on him, but I continue to pray that he will come to his senses as it were. He has started to understand that a lot of his issues are self inflicted and he really does need to make some life changes and soon. Whether or not he actually will is another story. I seem to like my own little hamster wheel as you all know so who am I to judge?

My dear sister is also dealing with children issues. She and her husband have had to confront their daughter concerning her choice of friends. Since my niece is grown, there isn't a whole lot that they can do. However, they have laid down ground rules concerning who is/is not welcome in their home. This is not an easy conversation to have with your child at any time and I truly feel for them. While nothing was openly admitted, nothing was denied. My sister and her husband are strong in their faith and I know God will see them through this storm as long as they continue to lean on Him.

I think the hardest thing to deal with in a difficult parent/child issue is all the memories that are stirred up. I tend to think about all the mistakes that I have made not only as a parent but also as a wretched child. I was truly horrible. I don't know how my poor mother survived it all. I have definitely "paid for my raising".

The upside to all of this is that God can take all this and turn it into something good and wonderful and for that I am truly grateful.

Once again BAC has seen fit to find yet another reason to deny the short sale of the house. I fear they have finally worn us down. Foreclosure is set for sometime in May. I would like to say I am relieved. I would like to say we are going to be fine. I would really like to say that there are plenty of affordable places to rent in my area. But, alas, such is not the case.

I am really sad to be leaving our home of so many years. I dread the idea of starting over. Actually, I dread the "thinning out" process of starting over. I know we will be okay. God has not forsaken my family. I know that the right house will be available and affordable. I just don't know when or where. I have a great fear of the unknown. I have never been one to enjoy surprises so this is all very stressful for me.

I have been trying to keep a stiff upper lip and a positive attitude about this whole thing. But, to be honest, it is really hard. A lot of buried resentments are rising to the surface and I just don't want to deal with them. I have started to give God the silent treatment in response to this. I so want to just deny, deny, deny. I can see how this is affecting my relationships with others and I don't like the person I am at the moment.

I seem to be spiraling out of control inside and it is starting to be very noticeable on the outside. I know I should be praying about all of this, but what do I say? I have said it all before to God. I seem to keep repeating myself and that is of no use to anyone. I am becoming very angry at everyone about everything. This is not how God desires that I clear this latest hurdle in my life. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier.

I have come so close and then the prize eludes me once again. I know that I will never get it right but you would think I could come a little closer after all this time. I think it is time to announce "Last Call" at this little pity party of mine and kick all these uninvited guests out.

My son has been angry most of his life. I don't think he remembers a time when he was not angry. Anger that is buried that deep not only becomes who you are but you reach a point when that is all you know. You can forget why you are angry, but, you never lose the anger.

I have been praying for my son for a very long time. This past week many prayers have been answered on his behalf. "J" finally faced the fact that this anger is destroying him from the inside out. He also realized just how long he has been angry and why.

This was accomplished solely through the work of God. I am so grateful to my Lord for the work He is doing in "J". I know that this is a process and will take quite a while, but I also know that he will get through this.

Forgiveness is the key. He is having an extremely hard time with this. It is very hard to forgive someone that has hurt you deeply. Especially when you were an innocent child and your entire life has been affected by this act. He is taking baby steps right now and is very vulnerable. I pray that he remains strong in his faith and what he knows to be true.

We spent hours talking and praying about this and how he should handle this. God has been so merciful and long suffering with my son. I know many people that are trying to deal with their own anger. Anger at family members,co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Their anger has manged to seep into every facet of their lives. They are bitter and miserable. The thing is they don't even realize this has happened. Some are justified but, most are not. Some, like my son, may be justified in being angry but have become sinful in their anger. I have been this person. I could become this person again. But, I know the long road I had to travel and what it has cost me. I am very unwilling to travel that road again.

I am thankful that my son has come to this point in his life. I pray that he will continue to make his way back to the "narrow path". He did tell me yesterday that he had the best day he has had in a long while. How great is that! To know that our Lord blessed this tortured young man with a good day and he was so happy to know that it can happen.....even to him.....even to you.

Just when we thought we had all our ducks in a row, we find out that we have to line up everyone else's too.

Last week we get yet another letter from BAC. This time they tell us that we are not qualified for the short sale they previously told us we were qualified for. Hubs calls them up and goes over all this AGAIN with yet another person in yet another department. The best they could come up with was, "You did not call us to inform us of your decision." Well maybe if you had included YOUR number in the letter we would have. However, the only number they were so insistent that we call was the company they have authorized to do the short sale for us.

After much aggravation, we were able to get BAC to see that yes we were qualified for this program and yes it is your fault that you are not informed.

So now we have a new rep with the short sale company and yet more paperwork to fill out and get to the Realtor.

At least the Realtor is a friend of mine and has dealt with this kind of thing so he is not as worked up as I am about it. This whole thing has an "Oh no! We have messed up and need to cover our butts" ring to me.

God is still continuing to bless us even as we deal with the consequences of our past decisions. I still have my joy and not even BAC can take that from me.

As many of you know, hubs and I are trying to short sale our house. Well, yesterday, we received a letter in the mail that really threw us for a loop. The bank notified us that we still have an open loan re-modification application on file.

The representative that hubs talked with said it had been open on the books since October. If this is true, why did they send us a letter the week before Christmas informing us that we had no options but to short sale the house? When he was asked about this the rep told hubs that maybe the bank had figured out a way we could keep our home.

Hubs informed him that we had already started the short sale. So now we have until this afternoon to decide if we want to continue with the short sale or try yet another loan re-modification.

I know that God is not the author of confusion. I also know that if we make a decision based on what we want instead of what God wants we will pay for it. But, in this case, I just don't know what the right decision is.

I have prayed that God would remove what ever was interfering in my relationship with Him. When we got the letter about the short sale, we were actually relieved that some finality was placed on this whole situation. It has been easy for me to purge my things because I know now that I was placing to much value on things and not my relationship with God.

I don't like time limits that are put on major decisions. To mail us a letter that we receive on Friday and tell us that we have until Saturday afternoon, is really quite hard to do. Especially when you factor in our work schedules. So I am waiting on hubs to call me on his lunch break so we can discuss this at least a little more before he makes the call.

I have been praying that God would let us know in no uncertain terms what we are to do and that we can do this without reservation. We will have made our decision by this afternoon so I will keep you all updated.

I thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement during all this and I know that whatever happens, God will provide.

Since my previous post citing the problems we have been having finding a Realtor, God has been so good to provide one for us! I had totally forgotten about a guy that I used to work with that is now in the real estate business.

Once I was able to get in contact with him, he was eager to take on our house. He did tell me that he just sold a house using a program that is similar to ours and it took 11 months! I am not sure how long it will take to sell our house, but I am trying to get myself prepared to wait a while.

He did ask me if hubs and I had considered filing for bankruptcy to force the bank to remodify our loan. While we did discuss this, we decided that we just were not willing to go that route.

Hubs and I are hoping that this will be a fresh start for us and that we can finally get on the right track once and for all. I know that I am tired of dealing with all this stuff day after day. We do have some realistic goals set for ourselves and we are going to have to make plenty of sacrifices to reach them. But, they are not unattainable goals and in the end we will have paid our debt and that is going to be a very good feeling!

While we don't have mountains of debt, for us it is a lot. Especially when you factor in the fact that he was without steady work for 2 years. I think this is going to be a lot harder for him than for me. But, we are on the same page with all of this so hopefully, he will get with the program without too much fuss.

Now, on to Granny. She scratched herself up pretty bad in her sleep last week. Mom or I do her nails once a week. We have to cut them very short to keep her from doing just this thing. But, no matter how short we cut them, this does happen on occasion. At least there is no infection and she is healing fine. While I was there she started fussing about her bed. Apparently, they did not make it up to her satisfaction. So I remade the bed for her. She likes to make sure that the sheets are very straight and that they are not longer than her top cover. So she is taking her foot and using it to point out to me what I need to fix. Once I got it all straight, she wants me to hug her and she tells me how much she loves me and that I better not tell the others. How funny is that!

I must say that at least on the housing front, things are getting in order rather quickly. I am not sure that I am as ready for all of this as I claim to be, but, I am trying to remember that no matter when everything finally gets settled that I will be in a better place on many fronts.

Before I jump into today's post, I wanted to update ya'll on the house issue. We finally got all the paperwork together for the short sale. The representative that emailed this to us neglected to tell us that we could not send it back to her. We have to give it to a real estate agent and they in turn have their own paperwork to be filled out and then it is all sent back to them. I cannot begin to describe the frustration this causes me.

Hubs talked with a real estate agent and he has an appointment with them on Saturday. However, he did tell hubs that it could be up to 9 months before our house sells. He went on to say that most people just leave because they do not want to wait that long. Since we need the moving expense money to move, it looks like we are here until the bitter end.

Now for today's topic. I do not believe in making New Year's resolutions. I can never seem to keep them. So, I am trying a new approach this year. There is a Pastor in North Carolina that has come up with a very innovative idea. Choose just one word and work on that one word for the year. I really like this idea for a few reasons. The first is that it makes you think. What one word can I choose that would sum up what I really want to do this year? It takes the focus off of just you and places it on others. Because of my faith, it also helps me to focus on how God wants me to accomplish things.

So what is my word? Present. I want to be more present in my children's lives. I want to be more present in church, my studies and my overall relationship with God. I want to live in the present not the past. I want to be more present in my marriage.

I think this is a goal that I can accomplish and in the process, enrich not only my own life, but the lives of those around me.

So if you had to choose just one word, what would your word be? I look forward to reading what you guys come up with!

Christmas was a solemn affair this year. I tried to stay upbeat and positive for the kids, but the underlying sadness was there for all of us. But, we were all able to get together and there were a lot of laughs and joy in the end.

We have had several options come our way regarding housing. Since the only way to afford anything is to go down to one vehicle, we are hoping to get moved before the banks takes the truck. This has been yet another tough decision for us but a necessity.

I told the kids to start coming over at least once a week to pick what they want from what I am no longer hanging onto. They have been acting like this is the last act of my life. They don't want to pick what they want. "B" says ask my brother if he wants it first, and vice versa. Too funny. I finally had to lay it out very plainly for them. Either you take it now or it goes to charity never to be seen again. That kind of got them motivated.

I still have not been able to really get to some things. The holidays have slowed me down a bit. I am hoping to be completely done with the "not keeping" no later than next week. Then I can start packing up what I am keeping but will not need in the immediate future.

I really dread the garage and "D"'s stuff. Hubs can be very difficult when it comes to parting with things. Even stuff he doesn't even remember having.

I too am guilty of hanging on to things. What I have come to realize through all this is that I am not only getting a physical cleansing but a spiritual one as well. I have come to realize just how much some of this stuff came between God and me. Not the actual stuff but, the way I felt about it. I think that is what is making this a little easier for me to handle. I know that when I am done with all this purging, I will have gotten rid of much in my life that is holding me back in many ways.

Housing is another issue right now. Hubs seems to have his heart set on one particular place. I have a really hard time saying no to him. I have been praying about this issue and God in His faithfulness has shown me much. I am learning that it is okay to say no and not create tension between us. Unfortunately, he and I have different ways of looking at things. While I try although not always successfully, to sift everything through The Word and prayer, he does not. But, I am confident that God will give me the needed guidance in this area.

I am glad that 2010 is almost over and I am looking forward to 2011. A fresh start is good for the soul. I hope you all have a safe and Happy New year and look forward to reading about all of you in the coming year.

While I was studying the Word today, I learned that the reason we are to "count it all joy", is because we are drawn closer to the Lord during our times of trouble. Now I know many of you may already know this, but, to me it was a real eye opener.

I hear others and have been guilty of saying this verse a bit mordantly. I think it is because we are trying to keep from wallowing in our own self pity. But with all that has happened in my life in just the last 2 months, I do feel closer to God. So, I am learning that as I discover more about Him, I am able to feel joy despite the situation at the moment. When all this is over, and it will be eventually, I will be closer to God and stronger in my faith. That is the prize.

Now for a few updates on what is going on. Hubs talked with the bank and we are eligible for the 3000 in moving expenses which is a true blessing! At least now we know we will have the money to move.....where to I still don't know. We are required to list the house with a Realtor for at least 120 days. I don't know if it will take that long or even longer to sell. We will be allowed to stay in the house until it sells which is good for us. If it takes longer than 120 days, I am not sure what the next step is as of yet.

We have been looking at apartments and rental homes that would be close to both of our places of employment. Since we have decided to go down to one vehicle, this is a must. With property in our part of the country being at a premium, rental property is quite high. So we have decided to go much smaller. I have already started calling people to see if they need anything we would have to part with. What I cannot give away to family and friends, I will be donating to charity. I thought of having a moving sale, but the weather is just not conducive at this time for all that.

I did break down in the kitchen last night. Sometimes, it is hard to keep up my "game face". While I don't want to cry in front of others, there are times when it is hard to keep it all in.

My daughter has agreed to co-sign on an apartment for us if we need her to. Since this and other things in our past has basically shot our credit, this is a real comfort for us to know she is willing to do this for us. I am praying that it doesn't come to that. Hopefully, once this is all over we can start working on repairing some of that mess.

I do so appreciate all of the comments and words of encouragement that all of you have taken the time to send to me. They mean so much right now. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we move on to the next step in this process.

As many of you know, hubs and I have been having severe financial problems for well over a year now. It has been really hard for us to keep the necessities lately and there were times when I must confess my faith faltered.

Hubs doesn't think I should tell anyone what I am about to share with all of you, but I disagree. I think everyone should know how God is working in our lives even if we can't see it right now.

We have been trying since he was laid off to get a Home Re-modification Loan. Well, today the bank sent us a letter letting us know that this was not going to happen. At first, I was very upset. I have been praying about this house as have my family and friends for a very long time. I just couldn't believe the bank was so unwilling to work with us.

After talking with my mom and having her remind me of some of the prayers I have been praying lately, I must say I felt much better. I know that this is what God feels is best for us right now. I know that He has not forsaken us and that He will take care of us. I just don't know how. We will not be living in the streets that I do know. We can move in with the children or with my mom if we have to.

We do have some time before we have to be out of the house and I am sure that God will use this time to let us see what direction we should take. Since hubs is not a believer, this may be a difficult thing for him to understand. But, I am trusting in God to help me help him see what He wants us to do.

The good news is I can finally go through all of this clutter and get rid of some things that hubs and I have been holding on to just because we had the space. I am looking forward to moving somewhere new and I know that wherever we wind up, God will have put us there and that is all that matters to me.

I hope that some of you that are going through similar situations will gain some encouragement from us. I would not wish this on anyone. It is hard to leave the home you have been in for so long. But, nothing on this earth is permanent and I still have a lot to be thankful for.

I am holding on to the promises of God and I know that whatever happens, He will be right there with us.

A lot has happened over the Thanksgiving Holiday. God continues to bless me despite the person that I am.

Hubs got a promotion at Wal Mart which is good for us! It isn't a whole lot of money, but the extra does pay one more bill a month. He has talked with his doctor about disability so we are still looking into that option.

Granny is doing extremely well these days. Mom, my sister and myself are all mending our relationship with each other.

Finances are still very dire here. However, God has put more employment our way so we are still able to tread water. I think I will be able to keep my car from the repo man which is always a plus.

But with good news, there is always some bad. My nephew had a Grand Mal seizure while hunting about a week ago. He is 15 and this is the first time he has had a seizure of this magnitude. He had another in the Emergency Room the same day. What I have learned from talking to my sister, is that this is considered one seizure since they both happened in a 24 hour period.

They have diagnosed him with Absence Epilepsy. I am not sure of the exact diagnosis but they seem to think he will out grow them. Since this has happened, my sister has been recalling different events in his life. Since we are all prone to do this, it has helped her to remember times when he seemed to be having a Petit Mal seizure.

I cannot remember the name of the medication they are starting him on. I only know that he has to get up to a 1000mg a day. As you can see, I have a lot of research ahead of me.

My nephew, "N" is a very positive kid. This has greatly helped my sister to deal with all the changes that have hit their family. One of the side effects of the medication is weight gain. "N" feels that he can just work out more at the gym and turn it into muscle. The other side effect really excited him. Man hair! Since he is a red head, he is very fair and hairy men do not run in his family. He can't wait for the hair to start coming in! Every summer he gets a Mohawk for his summer haircut. Now he is telling him mom he can have a "Grizzly Adams" beard to go along with the Mohawk.

My sister is strong in her faith and I know God will help them to deal with this new twist in their journey. She sees Him working daily and I know that is a great encouragement to her.

I hope that you all had a very good Thanksgiving and that no one ate too much!

I don't attend a local church. I work on Sundays but, I am off on Wednesdays so I could actually go on Wednesday night. I have a litany of reasons why I don't attend, but no one wants to hear all that.

My mom talked me in to attending church with her last Wednesday night. She attends the same church as my sister at the moment. Several years ago, their pastor died. He was a mighty prayer warrior and I truly miss him. Since that time, they have been hard pressed to find a new pastor. Over the course of this process, they have lost quite a few members. What is amazing to me is how they have reacted.

My children were saved in this church. When my son was trying to kill me with his life decisions, this church prayed for him. When my daughter was so sick and I could not find a doctor that could properly diagnose her, this church prayed over her. They have prayed for my family for years. My grandson is now attending this church with mom and he loves it.

Wednesday night there were less than 15 folks there. With today's mega churches on every street corner, this is a small church even when filled to capacity. But the people! They carry on just like the church is busting at the beams with people. They still do their Thanksgiving baskets, food pantry, clothes closet, etc. They still have their monthly business meetings and discuss ways to bring more people into the fold.

To walk into such a church and to see and to know that God is still working a mighty work there was truly uplifting. Prayers are needed for the smaller churches. They are becoming a dinosaur in the grand scheme of things. I can honestly say I am looking forward to returning there on Wednesday and being a part of something so special.

Yesterday my grandson came to visit. I don't get to spend a lot of time with him, so I always look forward to his visit.

We decided to empty one of my compost bins. I am experimenting with a "no dig" type of flower bed this year. He decided he didn't want to help with that so he was weeding the garden. I am in the process of getting this area ready for winter so his help was greatly appreciated.

While he was playing er weeding, he decided he wanted to try one of the peppers on a pepper plant. My goal every year is to grow the hottest peppers I can. My son loves very spicy hot food so if I can bring tears to his eyes I have accomplished my goal. I know it sounds mean, but, he looks forward to trying my peppers every year. But I digress. Little "J" decided to try one of the Tabasco peppers after I warned him they were extremely hot. The next thing I know he is running to the house yelling "hot! hot!". He comes back out and decided that the red ones are too hot but maybe the yellow ones are not. This causes a second trip to the house for more water. When he comes back out he informs me that the yellow ones are hotter than the red ones.

This has caused me to think of all the times I have gone running to God crying "hot! hot!". Even after warnings I still have to have a taste. Like my grandson, I think a taste of the same thing dressed differently won't be as bad.

It is strange that we can see this in others but not in ourselves. I am always amazed that a person did not know a series of events was going to happen based on one decision they made. Then I look at myself and cannot believe that I also did not know. But the truth is we DO know. We just don't think it will happen to us. It is happening to us and it is not going to end until we recognize our part in the process. Recognition of what we have done, said, or thought is always at the root of the issue.

Pride keeps us from admitting our part in any issue. I can give a million reasons as to why I don't own up to what ever I may done, but the truth is I just don't want to admit I was wrong or I started it or I did so and so.

I am working on it but this is a very hard road to travel. I have to allow myself to become vulnerable which is something I am very reluctant to do. But it must be done if I am to get through the latest issue at hand.

I know that God is leading the way now if I can just stay away from the peppers.

I reread the story of Lot's wife the other day. Even though I know the story, some of the commentaries I read cast a new light on the whole scene for me.

I have always wondered why she looked back. She knew what would happen if she did yet she couldn't help herself. I seem to be the same way.

By looking back, she was longing for her past and what she was leaving behind. I also seem to be longing for the past and what could have been or what once was. This is a trap that we all fall into at one time or another. We all know we can't change the past, and yet, we still want to go there.

I personally think this is the enemy's way of getting us off the narrow path. Once we start dwelling on the past, then we lose sight of what is really important.

Now that I realize that I can do nothing without God, I continue to try and do it alone. Hence the present situation in my life.

Regardless of what happens next, I know that God is looking out for us and that I will get through it with Him at the helm. So, I have decided to lay off the salt.

I have been very ill for the last week. I have not been sick in several years so naturally, I thought I would be immune to this bug also. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Have you ever noticed how everyone has an opinion as to what you should take or do when you are sick? I am not the best patient in the world so, when you start giving me your unasked for advice, I have to either cut the conversation short or bite your head completely off.

My take on shots is simple: I am grown and if I don't want a shot you aren't going to give me one. PERIOD. I don't care if it will make me feel better sooner. I don't care if it worked for you. I am old enough to make my own decisions and you are not going to talk me in to this regardless of your education level.

However, God does over rule my petulant attitude towards shots. He has decided that I need a shot and with a BIG needle. This is going to be a painful lesson I can already tell. I have avoided certain issues for far too long now. I just want it to be over with and as painless as possible. That is the coward in me. I didn't seem to have a problem exposing myself to all those germs without taking any precautions though did I?

As I lay here after taking the first dose of a 5 day zpac and doing other disgusting things to clear my head, I can't help but ask myself why I didn't take prevention sooner? What makes us think we can solve anything even the smallest of things without the guidance of God? I tell myself every time I get on this roller coaster that I won't do this again. And yet here I am. Maybe this time God will use the chainsaw instead of pruning shears and I can ride a different ride next time.

I have not blogged in quite a while. To be honest, I just have not been in to it.

Things have not gone well in my home over the past year or so and I think it is finally getting to me.

I am doing a Beth Moore study right now and got the weeks confused. So while I was doing the week on patience, everyone else was doing the week on joy. Go figure. I have been thinking about exactly where my joy is right now. When things are bad and I mean REALLY bad, it is hard to find any joy.

I tend to stray from my relationships when things are tough. I just isolate myself and try to fix it myself. But, things are in such a state that only God can fix this mess. We are on the brink of losing our house. I don't know what will happen if we do. Both of us have such lousy credit that we couldn't possibly even rent an apartment. Doug's mom lives too far away and my mom barely has enough room. I don't know if we could all live together.

Doug finally got a job this week. It doesn't pay a whole lot, but anything helps right now.

So, as I look at the mountain of bills sitting on my kitchen table in a house I may not even be living in by next month, I have to ask myself: "How can I possibly rejoice in the Lord now?" I have screwed up my own life as has hubby by our own poor choices. We accept responsibility for that. But we are both hardworking people. We are not trying to shirk away from own responsibilities. We are willing to pay what we owe. But, we need some understanding and help from our debtors. There are other options that the bank could offer but they seem unwilling to do so. I am working 1 full time and 2 part time jobs right now and have been doing so for quite some time. When hubs had a job, we could use that money to pay the larger bills and my money to pay smaller ones and have a little saved up for the short months. But now every month is a short month.

Then I think of all the people in this country that have no job, no home, no family to help them. I can rejoice in the Lord that I still have a home and several jobs. I am healthy and I still have my mind. My children are both working and healthy. My grandson is smart, and fun and is still young enough to think I am cool.

I have my mother and my grandmother. The 2 most fierce and loyal women to me that I could possibly have. So I have a lot to be joyful about.

God has enabled us to stay in this house for a very long time. I have to trust that He will continue to take care of us. But, I have isolated myself from Him too. So, it is hard for me to go to Him when I know that I have been such a poor example to others with my own wretched life. I am trying to get back to the person I was and the student of God that I was in the hopes that I can learn what it really means to "Rejoice in the Lord always."

I was speaking with a co-worker yesterday concerning her brother's ashes. While I see nothing wrong with cremation, I do know many Christians that do. Her family in particular.

"A" described her family as "religious". Personally, I despise this term. I have found that anyone that uses that term to describe another either: A) is talking about someone that is legalistic or B) has no idea what a true relationship with God is all about. But I digress.

A's family has decided that they do not want to share her brother's ashes amongst themselves as was originally decided. Now they want them thrown in the ocean. Since she lives in North Mississippi, this is no small feat. The logic behind this decision change is truly mind boggling. Apparently, they feel that God will not be able to gather all his ashes up if they are distributed amongst family members. The question my friend asked her mom was how was God going to get all those fish together that would wind up eating her brother's ashes. Needless to say, her mom had no answer for that one.

While this story is humorous in a strange way, it does make me stop and think about my own restrictions. I seem to want God in a bottle and when I need Him, I pop the cork and out He jumps. We have our little conversation and then I put Him back. When I look at my relationship with God, I find that I am far worse than a fair weather friend. I am a user and abuser. I only want to talk with God when it suits me, when it fits in my schedule, when I need Him. While I am always striving to be a better person to those around me, I seriously neglect my most important relationship.

So the goal is always out of reach. While I could blame this on many things, the truth is I am the one that is at fault. So once again I have climbed back onto this hamster wheel and am struggling to jump off.