Dementia for 2

today i went to see my grandmother. my mom and i have worked out a schedule that works for us and gives us both some flexibility. i work Fri - Mon fm 6pm-4am. those are tough days for me so i don't usually go see her. i am off Tu-Th. since i don't get off work until 4am on Tues. morning, i don't usually go on that day but my mom and i use that day for breaks for her.

lately, my mom has not been staying as long as she used too. even in a nursing home, my grandmother's care takes a lot of time. i have tried to pick up the slack for her so she doesn't worry.

so today i get there and granny is sitting in her wheelchair getting ready to eat. she will feed herself or at least attempt to if no one is there. i try to be there when meals are served to ensure she eats.

one thing about Alzheimer's is you can no longer mask who you really are. you are unable to lie like you used too or mask your emotions and distasteful personality traits. some would say that their parents or spouse or whom ever "changed". i personally don't agree with that assessment. i think those traits were always there and they can no longer hide behind the mask anymore.

i never realized just how vain my my grandmother was. she cracks me up with some of her vanity. she was "endowed" if you will. imagine a 92 yr old woman still being vain about that. not in an obnoxious way but vain nevertheless. her posture was always a big thing with her. walked very straight, never ever slouched in a chair or at any other time. so today when i get there she is slouched in her chair. i get her to straighten up and she goes right back. she would sit up at times but then go right back to the slouch. this is new. to see my grandmother who always sat so proudly slouch was almost more than i could bear.

what i don't know is if this is a new symptom or not. tomorrow she may be okay but then again maybe not.

i pray that God allows me to have my mind as long as He allows me to have my life. i don't want my kids going through this with me. i know that God promises you a long life if you honor your parents and i feel that what my mom is doing falls into that category, but i don't want to live that long if i can't comprehend the things i see or hear. my grandmother doesn't read anymore and she used to love to read. she just can't comprehend it anymore.

she still has a very happy disposition for the most part and that helps us all deal with everything else a little better. what i wouldn't give for just one more 2 way conversation with her though.