Tuesday, September 30, 2008

full circle

i was born in the 60s so i grew up in the late 60s and 70s. the world was a very different place then. lots of new ideas and thoughts were in abundance. there were also a lot of old ideas that were being repackaged and sold as new. religion was one of those things.

i grew up in the church. my mom tells me stories about running down the aisle during invitation crying and i was a small child. she felt i was too young to be feeling these emotions. apparently the pastor of our church felt differently because he told her to let me come. i don't remember ever going but she says i did every Sunday crying all the way.

i can remember singing to Jesus and talking to Jesus from a very young age. i used to pick my mom's zinnias which you can't just pick they come up by the roots. when questioned by her about it i replied, "i am picking flowers for Jesus." or so she says.

anyway, as i grew, i became "progressive" in my thinking as well. God was just too narrow minded for me. there had to be something more. so i started experimenting. i started in my pre-teen years and continued until my 30s.

i started with UFOs. there had to be aliens. we couldn't possibly be the only "intelligent" life out there. the universe is just to big for that.

then there was astro projection. i spent years on this one. trying to have an out of body experience. reading everything i could on the issue. i finally decided that i couldn't clear my mind so i moved to meditation. do you know how hard it is to not think? the purpose of the mantra is to keep your mind from wandering into thought. we are not designed to not think.

next came the occult. spells, seances, tarot cards, esp, Ouija boards, all of it. i had a very scary experience with the board and that frightened me into giving all that up.

i finally decided that i just didn't believe in God. how could a loving, benevolent God allow all this tragedy in my life?

then one day after 2 kids 1 divorce and 6 years in the USMC, i came home from the west coast. my sister got me to go to church with her. talk about feeling like an alien. it took me a long time to realize a lot of things.

one of the first things i realized was that i did believe in God. that i had been born again and was His child. next was the realization that He had not left me i had left Him. that one was really hard. i stayed there for a long time. it is hard to accept responsibility for your own actions. it is just too easy to blame others for your life and the way it has turned out.

once i got past this, i was able to see all the ways God had been there in my life. i lived through 2 overdoses, countless bad relationships of which at least 1 was violent and on and on.

God is funny that way. he will let you have your way no matter how bad it is if you are bound and determined to go that way. but he is still in the wings waiting for you to come to your senses. don't get me wrong i paid dearly for my actions. in some instances i am still paying. the difference today for me is that i know that i have a heavenly father who is there waiting on me to come to Him and let Him have my grief, worry, pressure, or whatever drama i have in my life.

i have reavealed way too much tonight. i don't want to come off sounding like a fanatic but i think i have.

i have come full circle. i am now "picking flowers for Jesus" again and i didn't realize just how much i missed it. the prodigal child finally came home.


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