Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I just learned that a friend of mine committed suicide. I don't know the exact day but it was within the last few days. As the survivor of 2 overdoses, I can say that I know what if feels like to see no way out.

But....I have also learned by surviving, that this is not the way to go. You think you have thought of everything. The note, the method, the lifting of the burden on your loved ones, etc.

What you don't consider is the impact your act will have on those you love. You are thinking about yourself and what will ease your pain. Not having to face reality can be very enticing. The reality of the situation is that you have left your loved ones with the insurmountable task of living without you. The guilt they will feel is huge. Guilt for not seeing the signs, feeling that they led you to do this, feelings of inadequacy, wishing they had never been born.

The religious aspects are so vast that I won't even delve into them. Suffice it to say this is the one thing you cannot undo.

My friend left a wife and son. She has to now raise her son alone. She has to get over her own grief to comfort him. She has to reassure him that this was not his fault. She has no room for her own grief because her son needs her now more than ever. This will make her angry and bitter. Angry because she has to do this alone and bitter because he chose this path for her.

As I write this I look at my own family situation. My husband and I are in great financial difficulty at the moment. This is causing a serious strain on our marriage. Will we survive as a couple? I honestly don't know anymore. But the path my friend chose is no longer an option for me. There are a lot of cliches that I could put in here but the truth is, they are just hollow words.

I will miss my friend. His family will miss him more.


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