Thursday, January 15, 2009

A Moment of Clarity

My grandmother has very few of these moments. For the most part, she just talks about her life as a young girl/woman. Even then, the memories are few. She is very childlike in her thinking. She gets upset if you don't speak to her, hug, her etc. This is true for me, the nurses, aides, etc.

Every now and then she will "come back to reality" and say something that will sadden me and anger me at the same time. I don't know what I will do when she dies. I pray that I can honor her and my mother at that time but I just don't know.

I don't want to "bad mouth" my family, but her children and most of her grandchildren, are really selfish and just not nice people.

Not to long ago, she told my mother, "I sure am glad I am here with you. I would be dead by now if I had stayed there." What saddens me about this is that she realizes that her other children just were not giving her the proper care. Three of her six kids lived within 30 minutes of her. At one time 2 of them were her neighbors. It is sad that they were just too busy with their own lives to take time out to take care of their mother.

What angers me is the "blame game" they all want to play. Blame each other, blame her, blame anyone other than themselves.

At the same time I have to ask myself; Do I play this game? If I am totally honest, the answer is yes. Maybe not in this particular situation, but I do play it nevertheless.

When I look at the events in my life that have prompted me to play this game, I realize that my own choices determined my life not the choices of others. My own hardheartedness my own stubbornness, my own anger, the list is endless.

Now one of my fears is that my own children will play this game and I will be left to the will and whim of others. I can only pray that they will realize that I am sincere in my love for God and for them and maybe that will make a difference.


Post a Comment

Template by:
Free Blog Templates