Monday, January 19, 2009

My Son

I often think back to day you were born. When they put you on my chest, you sneezed 3 times and immediately got the hiccups. You never cried. I don't think I had ever felt a love for another person so deeply before.

As you grew, we both made mistakes along the way. Daily, I regret things I said, or actions I did or did not take. Through it all, you have always been my beautiful baby boy.

I tell myself we are still close. But are we really? Your life has made you go astray from things you know are right. When did this happen? I would like to pinpoint it to just one moment in time. Then I could have an ah ha moment and I would know. But there is no one moment. There are a lot of moments big and small.

You are still running from your demons. Baby, you can't outrun them. They are always with you. There comes a point in your life when you have to face who you are. It isn't pretty and you don't have to do it alone.

You still blame yourself for Kevin's death. Even though this happened 8 years ago, I know you still remember it like it was yesterday. You cannot cover these emotions up with drugs and alcohol forever. That will destroy you. I am ashamed to admit it, but I am glad you did not take the same path. God knows I thought you would and at times am still worried that you will.

I want to tell you so many things about suicide. You just can't hear it. You need to hear it. Maybe you can hear it here. This is not an act that is done "on the fly". It is planned. Sometimes months in advance sometimes days. Everything is thought out. Do I leave a note? Do I do it at home or away? Who will find me? What method do I use? Kevin thought all of this through. He just didn't factor in any variables. I am sure he did not mean for you and his younger sister to find him.

You would spend hours at his grave. I know you haven't been there in awhile, and that is a good thing. Maybe you have moved through your grief and I just don't know. You are so unwilling to talk about things like this and I don't want to bring up a memory that will reopen a wound that runs so deep.

If I can't get you to hear anything else, hear this: I love you more than my own life. I will protect you from all and anything that is within my power to do so. I am hear when no one else on this earth is. There is nothing, I mean nothing you can do or have done that will cause me to ever love you any less than I did the day you were born. Everyone can give up on you even you can give up on you, but I will never give up on you. I will always have hope for you. Enough hope for both of us.


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